I am able to use 99% of the “tall” urinals out there in the world. I don’t have to kneel in front of the “kiddie” stall in order to relieve myself properly and, being of mostly average height, the standard height is just right for me. Occasionally, there are those urinals out there designed for basketball players that, in order for my stream to make purchase, I would have to bend backwards and perform a glorious rainbow arch into the pot.Now, the whole reason for my gratuity to the tall stall is the very existence of the short stall. Using one these shorter stalls is embarrassing, and I tend to avoid them in most situations. Sometimes I still have to use them though, usually out of a desperate need to go, but sometimes there is simply not a more workable alternative. The short urinals are especially bad in the bathrooms that have urinals at giants‘ heights. Not only can’t I use the so-called “normal height” fixtures, the shorter ones are at nearly ankle height; I may as well pee on the floor.

The worst offenders are the urinals whose rim of the bowl is about an inch or two above where my legs come together. They’re the worst because as I walk up to it, things look fine; however, the further along in my investment in my business, I realize it’s too high! I have to stand on my toes in order to not cause a serious accident. It gets worse! At this angle, the impact against the back surface of the urinal causes a vicious back-splash, so I have to inch backwards away from the spray so as to avoid any droplets, all the while being careful not to disrupt the stream, lest it stray and hit the outer lip and cause some real problems.

And you know what? I really don’t mind the urinals that take up the height of man and go down to the floor. I can choose my own target height. I’m not shy either - except for individual urinals of any height - so the troughs at sports stadia don’t bother me either. The bizarre circular fountain design is simply that: bizarre. If you’ve never encountered one of these before, and you get dizzy looking at an M.C. Escher work or can’t handle those Magic Eye pictures at the mall, be thankful - I think a woman designed it.

(Not to knock the female engineers at Moen or Koeler at all, I just think this design is akin to having a white person design hair-care products for black people*. The life experience, context, whathaveyou simply isn’t there.)

So, I am thankful for the simple fact that I can pee in a porcelain pot.

*Or The Blues. Thanks, George Carlin.